Just what I wanted for Christmas - ego coming to say Hi

It's that time of year again, run around like crazy, buy gifts, plan the perfect dinner, make cookies, attend parties... on and on it goes.

This year I felt a distinct urge to unplug, to not really participate in the festivities. Decorating felt like a chore and I scaled down massively. I wonder if I didn't have a 5 year old running around if I would have made a big of a fuss as I did. That was last week....

This week I am wrapping presents, planning the dinner, and figuring out who will be where when during the holidays. Money is very tight this season and the budget for each person is smaller than it has ever been. I WAS OK with that. The kids will get what they need, maybe a small thing of what they want and I'll call it a day. Yet the past few days I have felt... inadequate. I feel bad that there is not much under the Christmas tree or that we won't be able to take a family trip sledding for the weekend.

My husband is on me hard to stick to the budget and says that I do this every year, I go over my budget with last minute stuff in this anxiety fueled buying/wrapping binge. You know what? He is right. I do, do this... why do I have this need in me to buy, buy, buy? I was able to cut back easily on the out of town family and I think it is because I don't have to see their face upon opening the gift. I don't have to imagine their disappointment over the small amount.  I was talking to my oldest about this and she said "Mom, there are presents under the tree for everyone. It is enough." So what in me makes me feel as if it is not?

We will be having a house full for Christmas, All four of my daughters, two of them will have boyfriends coming, and a soldier we became friends with last year. None of them are coming for the gifts. They are coming for the fun, the laughter, silly games, water fights, and a good dinner. Isn't that what the holidays are really about?

To not feel adequate is my negative ego popping up telling me that I am not good enough, that I need to go the extra mile to receive people's love. Such a nasty bugger that ego is. Just when I think I have silenced it, events pop up to challenge it all and cause me to examine my self again. This is programming that has been ingrained in me that things equal love. That if I am unable to provide things than it diminishes who I am as a person. Well I am screaming foul! This is bullshit! I no longer want to play this game nor feel this way.

Here's to containing myself from spending more and not feeling bad that I didn't.

Straddling two worlds

I woke this morning at 4 am, anxious, unsettled with my heart chakra just aching. When I feel this way I meditate and ground myself into the earth. Most of the time it helps. Today was not one of those times. Instead I feel stressed, exhausted, and on the verge of tears. Maybe I just need to let myself cry, let it all go.

When I feel like this I am tempted to get back on my antidepressants. I was on them for 17 years, they became a crutch that didn't allow me to feel all that I could. When I decided it was time to get off them, the sensations aimed at me were overwhelming. Meditation helps keep 90% of the sadness, anger, and anxiety away. I just have few skills to deal with the other 10% of the time.

The only thing I can think that set me off was a video I watched that I shouldn't have. It was about a couple that "trained" their dog to sit up in a begging position. In the video if the dog, a toy poodle, slouches, the owner kicks him across the room. I watched 2 minutes of it, but the video went on for at least 12 minutes. In the article that accompanied the video it stated that the toy poodle was eventually beaten to death and the couple has another little dog that is being "trained" as well. The couple is in Malaysia and authorities have been repeatedly contacted (this all started in 2010), no charges were filed and these "people" didn't lose their right to own an animal.

I shouldn't have watched the video, it made my heart hurt and I get so mad at the cruelness of man. I just don't get it. This is 3D thinking, this type of thinking causes emotional pain. From a 5D perspective, I know that the couple are just souls going through an experience and in this lifetime they chose to be abusive. 5D thinking doesn't say that this behavior is not wrong, IT IS; but it doesn't attach judgement to it. From this perspective I understand that these animals came in and chose to be here as well. Those dogs chose to suffer, maybe so that light will be shined on animal abuse.  However, the 3D side of me can't get that video out of my head, I can't help but FEEL pain and sadness for those babies. I can't help but feel anger at the arrogance of man to think that they can treat others in such a horrific manner.

I am still in Duality... don't know how to get out.

The ascension journey

I've decided that I need to chart my journey. So many changes over the past year. I'm not sure who I am anymore, but I think I know who I am becoming.

It's not easy to delve into your psyche, clean out all your shit, and find your true self and purpose. The world at large doesn't get it. To them you have gone insane, some sort of psychosis. The more I learn and the deeper I go, the more I want to go into a cave and hide from the world. Unfortunately this is what we can not do because we hold light that the world needs, some of us need to go out into the world and spread that light. Not an easy task.

I've learned that I take on people's emotions. That I often feel things that are not mine. I'm learning to clear my aura and field, but I'm not all there yet. I flip from a 3D perspective to a 5D one and this leaves me feeling hypocritical or as if there are two people in my body. The one good thing is that my time spent with the 5D perspective is increasing and I can hold it longer. I do think that I need to write it all down to show myself just how far I have come. These can be important on the dark days... for there are dark days. This is a lonely journey, I seek comfort in like minded people, but I know I am on my own.