This year I felt a distinct urge to unplug, to not really participate in the festivities. Decorating felt like a chore and I scaled down massively. I wonder if I didn't have a 5 year old running around if I would have made a big of a fuss as I did. That was last week....
This week I am wrapping presents, planning the dinner, and figuring out who will be where when during the holidays. Money is very tight this season and the budget for each person is smaller than it has ever been. I WAS OK with that. The kids will get what they need, maybe a small thing of what they want and I'll call it a day. Yet the past few days I have felt... inadequate. I feel bad that there is not much under the Christmas tree or that we won't be able to take a family trip sledding for the weekend.
My husband is on me hard to stick to the budget and says that I do this every year, I go over my budget with last minute stuff in this anxiety fueled buying/wrapping binge. You know what? He is right. I do, do this... why do I have this need in me to buy, buy, buy? I was able to cut back easily on the out of town family and I think it is because I don't have to see their face upon opening the gift. I don't have to imagine their disappointment over the small amount. I was talking to my oldest about this and she said "Mom, there are presents under the tree for everyone. It is enough." So what in me makes me feel as if it is not?
We will be having a house full for Christmas, All four of my daughters, two of them will have boyfriends coming, and a soldier we became friends with last year. None of them are coming for the gifts. They are coming for the fun, the laughter, silly games, water fights, and a good dinner. Isn't that what the holidays are really about?
To not feel adequate is my negative ego popping up telling me that I am not good enough, that I need to go the extra mile to receive people's love. Such a nasty bugger that ego is. Just when I think I have silenced it, events pop up to challenge it all and cause me to examine my self again. This is programming that has been ingrained in me that things equal love. That if I am unable to provide things than it diminishes who I am as a person. Well I am screaming foul! This is bullshit! I no longer want to play this game nor feel this way.
Here's to containing myself from spending more and not feeling bad that I didn't.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I too have the same difficulty with Christmas. I feel as if it is never enough I stress and stress about what I spent and who has what instead of putting the emphasis on the true meaning of the holiday. I need to be more aware of that ego telling me I am not good enough what I have given isn't good enough and remember that I am doing my best no matter how much or how little. We need to focus on the blessing of being surrounded by the ones we love instead of the value of what is under the tree. Merry Christmas! <3
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas to you too! The first step is being aware of the programming that has been shoved down our throats since we were born, then rewriting it. Being a work in progress is still forward motion.
ReplyDeleteyep - its never about stuff for us...but what it may mean to the kids. I could go through this entire process on my knees if I had to, i just don't want it to effect my son. he has been glorious! about the restrictet budget for the last year. He does really get it and for that I am grateful. our focus has shifted, ego does have long arms though... :)
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